Saturday, July 30, 2005

Some anti-Microsoft rantings (part 2)

This is a joke I love about Microsoft. Actually, I'll try to post more of them, something like one per week! I could have a section: Anti-Microsoft Liberation Front Jokes!

If Microsoft Build cars

  1. A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until after that year instead of before it.
  2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
  3. Occasionally your car would just die for no reason, and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this.
  4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a Car 95 or a Car NT. But then you'd have to buy more seats.
  5. Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was powered by the sun, twice as reliable, and five times as fast-but it would only run on 5 percent of the roads.
  6. The oil, engine, gas, and alternator warnings lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.
  7. People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for years.
  8. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft gas.
  9. The U.S. government would be getting subsidies from an automaker, instead of giving them.
  10. New seats would force everyone to have the same-size butt.
  11. The stereo system will only be able to listen to Microsoft FM and play Microsoft cassettes.
  12. To turn on the air conditioner, you will have to shut down the car for two minutes and restart it.
  13. Occasionally, your car will stop and fail to restart, and you'll have to reinstall the engine to get it going again.
  14. When you call the service department, they will tell you it's not their fault and blame it on the company that made the tires.
  15. Before the airbag deploys, it will ask "are you sure?"
  16. To make right turns, you will have to upgrade to Microsoft SteeringWheel 2.0.
  17. Apple will make a car that's faster, more reliable, and easier to drive, but it will only run on five percent of the roads.
  18. If you can't afford to buy a new car, you can just borrow one from a friend and copy it.
  19. If you are involved in a crash, you will have no idea why.
  20. Damage from frequent crashes greatly limited by agonizingly slow speeds
  21. MS-AAA mysteriously knows where you are and what you ran into before you even call.
  22. Lets you e-mail viruses to jerks who cut you off in traffic.
  23. Sure, you *own* the car -- but your nerdy 17-year-old nephew is the only one who can figure out how to drive it.
  24. Engine trouble? Just execute a Ctrl+Alt+Honk and the car repairs itself.
  25. "Crowby," the annoying, animated crowbar, keeps changing the radio station.
  26. It doesn't matter how good it is, those techno-snobs with the free Linux cars always look down on you.
  27. It's a royal pain to try to pull into a non-Microsoft gas station.
  28. Now only takes THREE MINUTES to start.
  29. Whenever you leave your driveway, the little paperclip guy jumps out of the glove box and says, "It looks like you're going to work! Can I help?"
  30. You have to reinstall the entire engine once a month.
  31. After putting it in park, it shakes and rattles for a couple minutes before you finally get the signal that it's safe to turn off the engine.
  32. Despite reassurances of improved security from Microsoft, hackers can easily gain entry by simply using the door handles.
  33. You can't lend it to someone else; they have to purchase their own.
  34. You have to pull to the side of the road, turn off and restart the engine whenever you change CD's.
  35. The radio would be computerized, but you'd need to install 64 Meg of RAM, a new sound card, a game card, a new video driver, a CD drive, and type C:\radio\talk\rush*.* to get it to play.
  36. The entire engine wouldn't be in the bay at once, and the car would have to keep stopping and starting to load in the relevant parts.
  37. The speedometer would read 70 even though you are only doing 50. 4. You would have to have a full service every 500 miles.
  38. Your car would refuse to start with a message "Abort, Retry, Fail?"
  39. For some reason the engine controller would need a 1G hard disc and would take 5 minutes to boot up.
  40. The steering wheel would be replaced with a mouse and you'd need to memorize the keyboard short-cut for "Brake".
  41. They wouldn't build their own engines but form a cartel with their engine supplier. The latest engine would have 16 cylinders, multi-point fuel injection and 4 turbos, but it would be a side-valve design so you could use Model-T Ford parts on it. There would be an "Engium Pro" with bigger turbos, but it would be slower on most existing roads.
  42. The U.S. government would be forced to rebuild all of the roads for Microsoft cars; they will drive on the old roads, but they run very slowly.
  43. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car.

Check out: Microsoft Patents Ones, Zeroes

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