If Microsoft Build cars
- A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until after that year instead of before it.
- Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
- Occasionally your car would just die for no reason, and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this.
- You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a Car 95 or a Car NT. But then you'd have to buy more seats.
- Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was powered by the sun, twice as reliable, and five times as fast-but it would only run on 5 percent of the roads.
- The oil, engine, gas, and alternator warnings lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.
- People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for years.
- We'd all have to switch to Microsoft gas.
- The U.S. government would be getting subsidies from an automaker, instead of giving them.
- New seats would force everyone to have the same-size butt.
- The stereo system will only be able to listen to Microsoft FM and play Microsoft cassettes.
- To turn on the air conditioner, you will have to shut down the car for two minutes and restart it.
- Occasionally, your car will stop and fail to restart, and you'll have to reinstall the engine to get it going again.
- When you call the service department, they will tell you it's not their fault and blame it on the company that made the tires.
- Before the airbag deploys, it will ask "are you sure?"
- To make right turns, you will have to upgrade to Microsoft SteeringWheel 2.0.
- Apple will make a car that's faster, more reliable, and easier to drive, but it will only run on five percent of the roads.
- If you can't afford to buy a new car, you can just borrow one from a friend and copy it.
- If you are involved in a crash, you will have no idea why.
- Damage from frequent crashes greatly limited by agonizingly slow speeds
- MS-AAA mysteriously knows where you are and what you ran into before you even call.
- Lets you e-mail viruses to jerks who cut you off in traffic.
- Sure, you *own* the car -- but your nerdy 17-year-old nephew is the only one who can figure out how to drive it.
- Engine trouble? Just execute a Ctrl+Alt+Honk and the car repairs itself.
- "Crowby," the annoying, animated crowbar, keeps changing the radio station.
- It doesn't matter how good it is, those techno-snobs with the free Linux cars always look down on you.
- It's a royal pain to try to pull into a non-Microsoft gas station.
- Now only takes THREE MINUTES to start.
- Whenever you leave your driveway, the little paperclip guy jumps out of the glove box and says, "It looks like you're going to work! Can I help?"
- You have to reinstall the entire engine once a month.
- After putting it in park, it shakes and rattles for a couple minutes before you finally get the signal that it's safe to turn off the engine.
- Despite reassurances of improved security from Microsoft, hackers can easily gain entry by simply using the door handles.
- You can't lend it to someone else; they have to purchase their own.
- You have to pull to the side of the road, turn off and restart the engine whenever you change CD's.
- The radio would be computerized, but you'd need to install 64 Meg of RAM, a new sound card, a game card, a new video driver, a CD drive, and type C:\radio\talk\rush*.* to get it to play.
- The entire engine wouldn't be in the bay at once, and the car would have to keep stopping and starting to load in the relevant parts.
- The speedometer would read 70 even though you are only doing 50. 4. You would have to have a full service every 500 miles.
- Your car would refuse to start with a message "Abort, Retry, Fail?"
- For some reason the engine controller would need a 1G hard disc and would take 5 minutes to boot up.
- The steering wheel would be replaced with a mouse and you'd need to memorize the keyboard short-cut for "Brake".
- They wouldn't build their own engines but form a cartel with their engine supplier. The latest engine would have 16 cylinders, multi-point fuel injection and 4 turbos, but it would be a side-valve design so you could use Model-T Ford parts on it. There would be an "Engium Pro" with bigger turbos, but it would be slower on most existing roads.
- The U.S. government would be forced to rebuild all of the roads for Microsoft cars; they will drive on the old roads, but they run very slowly.
- You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car.
Check out: Microsoft Patents Ones, Zeroes